


Paloma

by Whis



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buck/other character mentioned, Child Death, Dark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, no too graphic, take care of yourself and don't read if it's going to be triggering, the child death happens in the past, triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22833949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis
Summary: A game of "Never have I ever" opens the door to Buck's past, a tragic past he didn't want to share with his team.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Original Character(s)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 194
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Quotes belong to the song Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton
> 
> This was inspired by a conversation in the discord channel and my own prompt, because I couldn't actually leave this idea alone now I'm the one filling my own prompt
> 
> Thanks to my wonderful beta [nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki)

**_Would you know my name_ **

**_if I saw you in Heaven_ **

It was silly. So, so silly. 

It started with an innocent game. Well, as innocent as a Never Have I Ever game can be.

It was fun, with a lot of crazy stuff and secrets going on. Nobody was truly surprised at Buck being the one who had more drinks, although they didn’t expect Eddie to be the one with the fewest drinks of all of them.

Buck should have known better, he should have stopped before he lost control, but he was having fun and it had been so, so long since the last time the whole gang had been together, just all of them, without worries, hurts and issues. If they all were having fun testing how far Buck has gone, who was he to put an end to all? 

The questions were simple, just a few sexual ones, some about sports and the job, and they all were relaxed and happy, genuinely happy for the first time in an eternity.

So Buck let his guard down. But that tore down a door that Buck built with so many parts of him that when he was done, he has nothing left, so he became a new person.

It was because of a silly question, so, so silly. 

“Never have I ever been married,” Chimney said with a smirk.

Buck didn’t hesitate, didn’t think about it, he just took the shot, happy because he was winning. He was so shitfaced he forgot it was a secret, he even forgot that he wasn’t allowed to think about it because every time he did he lost a bigger part of the man he was back then and if he kept doing so she wouldn’t recognize him when they’d see each other again…

“Buck, you aren’t married,” Hen said with a giggle.

And shit, Buck should have said something, a lie, a fake testimony, anything, but what he said was,

“I was, we got divorced after Paloma died.”

“Who is Paloma?” 

Eddie asks. It had to be Eddie…

And fuck… Just like that, when name reaches Eddie’s lips, all the hurt, all the pain, is back with the force of a nuclear bomb, banishing everything in its path. It leaves him breathless and blind, and he wants to sink into the darkness and never get back to a world where he… 

The sound that escapes his throat is far from human, it’s a scream he has been holding back for years with the help of a very carefully constructed net of lies and self-deception.

Everybody jumps into action except for Buck. He feels hands and eyes on him, trying to help, to hold him. Hen is shouting something about another clot and Eddie is telling her it’s not that, while Bobby is checking him all over and Chimney is on the phone and Buck  _ knows  _ he is calling Maddie and she is going to tell him and that… He just can’t bear it.

Finally, he feels his body again, as if the line that ties his brain and the rest of him is working once more.

He is not sure how he gets out of the trap formed by his family extremities holding him down to the chair and the moment he so desperately needs to escape, yet he does.

Before anybody knows what is happening, Buck is locked in the bathroom and everybody is left with a lot of questions and fears.

Everybody knows Chim cares about Buck, they’ve been friends for years, but the man has a weird way of showing it, not that Buck minds. They are good friends, and he has always been there in the moments Buck’s needed him the most, but Chim has always been the quiet one. Whereas Bobby and Eddy were the ones who yelled at him and got emotional, furious and overprotective, Chim and Hen had a tendency of joking and mocking and then sitting with him to have a heart to heart, always without undue fuss.

So nobody knows what to make of it when Chim hangs up the phone and runs to the door.

“Buck, Buck, open the door… Maddie told me… You don’t need to hide… Buck…”

Buck tries to ignore everything, what is happening at the other side of the door, and the turmoil inside his head. He struggles to remember how to breathe and keep his cool. He reminds himself he can’t panic, he is at his house and his team won’t leave until he gets out of the bathroom… And Chim already knows, he will tell everybody, he will have to face them and their looks full of pity and sympathy… He was never able to bear with those-

He sits on the floor of his bathroom and feels defeated in a way he hasn’t felt since it happened.

With trembling hands, he takes out the picture, the one he keeps hidden in his wallet. It’s old and worn-out because for a while he couldn’t stop looking at it. He is there, holding his wife, ex-wife, with her big tummy and her big smile that mirrors his own. 

It’s the only picture he has of his baby, when she was in her mom’s belly, safe and sound. Nobody thought about taking a picture of her when she was born, she was too tiny, too sick, too still, and her parents were too focused on enjoying what little time they had left with her. 

And yet, he remembers her easily, when he allows himself to revisit that moment, the worst moment of his life. It should have been the best.

“Leave me alone, please,” he begs, when the knocks and the words from his friends become too much. He is not ready to have this conversation, doesn’t want to have it.

“Okay, okay Buck… Maddie is on her way, promise me you’ll let her in?”

It’s weird to hear Chimney talk with that tone, soft and patient. It’s not a voice he uses very often, especially when it comes to Buck, he is more of a sarcastic comment kind of guy, so Buck agrees because he owes him that much if he gets everybody out.

Chim does what he can without sharing what Maddie told him. But in the end, he has to.

“Buck married his high school sweetheart when he was in college, she got pregnant a little afterward but the baby… She was born too soon, didn’t survive her first night.”

Buck can hear the heavy silence that settles in the house following Chim’s words, which isn’t surprising. Most people don’t know what to say once they learned what happened, and that isn’t the whole story, not by a long shot.

He tries to stay still and contribute to the silence before somebody breaks it. He is not sure he wants to hear what they’ll say. It will be something uncomfortable, and honestly, he can’t blame them. He knows Hen will try her best to be there, but she won’t push him to anything.

Bobby and Eddie are different. He doesn’t know what to expect from them, it could go from  _ a suck it up Buck, you have to grow up  _ kind of shit to an  _ I’m not going to let you breathe with my hovering and overprotectiveness. _

Not surprisingly, Eddie is the first one talking. Buck is not stupid, and he knows more often than not, Bobby and Eddie are the ones leading the way when it comes to Buck, which it hasn’t been the best for him, as the whole lawsuit thing proved.

“Buck had a daughter?”

Buck hates the surprise there, the disbelief that reminds him of how he is seen by his team, like a big fuck up too irresponsible and too immature.

What he hates the most is the past tense, cruel and mean in its honesty. 

He feels vulnerable and open in a way he hasn’t felt in a while, and he hates it, but the memories and alcohol are messing up with the iron grip he always keeps in his emotions. It’s a hard balance between showing the things that don’t affect him too much just to appease his team and hiding the things that really hurt him. It’s like a magic trick with smokescreens built with wide smiles and manly tears. 

He has never felt guilty because he is well aware that it works because his friends don’t want to know, not really. They don’t want to know how he is, they want to hear he is fine, which is what most human beings do and it’s why Buck has perfected this particular technique for years.

He can’t contain the sob that escapes his throat, nor the tears streaming down his face. He would love to be a silent crier, but he is not, has never been, and he is too aware of the voices at the other side, the knocks, the guilt in Eddie’s voice.

Any other day, he would try his best to make it better for him, for all of them really, but especially for Eddie. Now he doesn’t care.

He touches the photo, with the same reverence he always uses with it and with his memories.

His little girl had been so tiny and beautiful. She was pale and fragile and every time he got to touch her he always feared she would break in his arms, and that is how she let out her last breath, with the sun rising while her father held her for the first and last time.

He didn’t cry then. He had to be strong for his wife, who was still in her hospital room, unable to face the cruel truth of what was happening to them.

He didn’t cry for a while, and he thought he was ready to get back to his life, his job, the SEALS.

It didn’t last long, just two months after his little girl died, he was discharged for being too emotional and his wife was no longer his neither wife. 

Then he lost himself, the man who has been happy and sure of his place in the world, a man with a plan and a family and lots of promises. Perhaps he died the same day his baby did.

“Buck, please, open the door.”

Eddie is begging, and Buck wonders why he is so worried, what does he think that Buck is going to do? If he didn’t do it back then he won’t do it now because of some silly game.

He just wants to be left alone, to stay away for a few hours just to get back and have the team acting as if nothing had happened, it’s what they always do, all of them.

He wants to sweep under the carpet this night and all his past

Suddenly, Bobby’s voice can be heard, sure and firm, like an order that nobody will disobey and Buck is so grateful for it. 

“We are leaving, now.”

Of course, Bobby gets it, he really does, and Buck wishes he had been capable of sharing with Bobby, brave enough to tell him that he wasn’t alone, that he gets it too.

Surprisingly enough, Eddie and Hen don’t complain too much, and it’s not too long until he hears the doors closing and his team’s cars leaving his place.

“Buck, I’m here, I’m going to wait for your sister and then… I just want you to know that I’m here if you want to talk or just get out and move into your room.”

And well, that sounds nice actually.

Chim is not waiting for him at the other side of the door, and for that, he is thankful.

He just slides away and loses himself in the cocoon of his bed.


	2. Maddie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck wakes up and has to face a world that now knows one of his secrets.   
> Thank god Maddie is there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta @meloingly and the discord channel people for hearing me out and being there through my freaks out  
> And thanks to the every person that has read, leave a kudos or a message. 
> 
> This is a hard chapter, take care of yourself and don't read if child death is a trigger for you.

**_Time can bring you down,_ **

**_time can bend your knees_ **

**_Time can break your heart,_ **

**_have you begging please._ **

The sunny light filters through the window drawing patterns on the white sheet of his bedroom and Buck follows the line with his fingers, trying to keep his mind blank and empty.

But the memories keep coming to him, and he doesn’t know how to fight them. Deep down, he knows it’s useless, it’s a lost battle.

If he allows himself, he goes back to those days when he truly was the young, naive boy that everybody thinks he is today, those days when he was in love and full of hope.

Buck closes his eyes in a vain attempt of keeping the image away. If he wants to, he can remember the faint smell of blood and antiseptic, the sound of machines and ragged breathing, the weird touch of a skin too thin, too wrinkled, too weak.

She was so silent, so quiet…

The bile rushes through his throat and Buck tries to bury himself in the blankets. He doesn’t want to get up, even if he should run to the bathroom before he throws up in his bed.

Getting up means he has to go out of the bubble in his room and face the world waiting for him at the other side of the door.

There is a knock on that door, a big ‘fuck you’ to what he wants and what he needs. He has to face the music and he loathes the moment and himself, his weakness and his too sensitive heart that can’t get over something that happened a long time ago, a life and at least 3 Bucks ago.

Maddie’s voice is full of uncertainty and sadness when she whispers his name, and it’s unfair because she is perfectly aware he can’t resist her when she gets like that. They both have always been fiercely protective of each other and this time isn’t different.

He swallows the bile and the sobs stuck in his throat and tries to look presentable for his sister, although he knows _ barely human _ is the best he can achieve at that moment.

He opens the door with a confidence he isn’t feeling, but then, he has never felt it, not really, not since that day…

“Hey Mads” he murmurs, and that is because his sister is there, hugging him tight and motherly, as she always does when he is hurting and there is nothing she can’t do. She did the same that day, and a lot of days before and after that until she disappeared into the nightmare that was her marriage. He wishes he had seen it then, but he had been too wrapped up in a pain that was still too new and too raw, and although logically he knows it’s understandable, there is a big part of himself that feels the guilt every time he looks at her and thinks about all the pain she went through. 

He wants to tell her how sorry he is, sometimes he can feel the words forming in his tongue, but there is always something stopping him and this time it’s not different 

“I’m fine, just a little hangover” he lies and hopes she takes it and follows through. But Maddie has never been one to take his bullshit, she has always called him out and forced him to face the hard truths of his life. It sucks, but her honesty has always saved him from himself.

“You aren’t fine Buck, don’t lie to me little brother” she cries and Buck just hugs her tighter. For a split of a second, he wonders how is that he is the one that has to comfort her. As soon as the thought crosses his mind, he feels the familiar shame he always gets wherever he puts his needs over somebody else.

“Okay, no, but I have to be, I mean, I have to go to work tomorrow and I have to be able to do my job…” he begs, to her and to the universe because the last time he allowed himself to feel this particular pain, he lost even more.

“Buck, I’m pretty sure they’ll understand if you take a day off”

When Maddie says that, Buck pushes her away, almost jumps away. He doesn’t need a day off, he doesn’t want a day off, he doesn’t want anything except the team acting as if nothing happened, as if they didn’t know, and they wouldn’t do that if he asks for a day off because he’s sad. 

“That isn’t an option Mads” he says with more strength that he intends to, making Maddie flinch and again the need to vomit overcomes him and reminds him he drunk too much the night before. As if the pulsing headache he has been feeling since the moment he opened his eyes wasn’t enough reminder “sorry…”

Shaking her head, she makes a quick movement to grab his hand. It’s comforting, and Buck is surprised when he realizes he needs it, he needs it more than anything in his life, and suddenly he’s trying to remember the last time he got more than a quick fuck with a stranger or a bro hug from his team

“Mads, please…”

“Buck, it’s okay to be sad, please, just let me…”

“Let you, what?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know how to help Buck”

She has tears in her eyes and so much love, just like that day, so long ago, when she said something similar, with the same desperate need to help. It should have been enough back then, and it should be enough. but she can’t help him, and she knows it.

So he just shrugs and hugs her tight, he doesn’t know what else to do.

.


End file.
